Home » Abuse » Me? Okay? Not At the Moment.

Me? Okay? Not At the Moment.

“…lo, I am with you always even unto the end of the world. Amen~ Matthew 28:20 (KJV)

My ears  still were  ringing with the laughter I heard from my adoptive father after musing I was made to sleep in a barn as I passed a billboard engraved with those last recorded words of Jesus on earth.

I must have passed this same billboard 100’s of times.

That billboard was meant to be the encouragement, but this particular afternoon, I broke down into uncontrollable sobs.  My friend who was driving became so concerned he was forced to pull off of the side of the highway.

I was sobbing and crying out!

“He was there!  He saw everything.  Jesus was there every night as my innocence was stolen. He was there as  I was sold.  He was there as Cleo beat me and burned me.  He saw my bruises.  He saw tears and heard me as I begged for mercy as Cleo beat, burned and poked hat pins through my thin upper arms.  Oh dear Lord You saw everything!”

“And did nothing to stop it!”

My friend who was driving the car was asking, “What’s the matter?  Are you okay?”  (He had never seen me, a usually stoic person who doesn’t display such strong emotion completely break down.)

No!… I am officially not Okay!

Reading this billboard on this particular day has plunged me into a deep crisis.

What in the world am I doing giving one more moment to a God who allowed such horrible abuse to happen to a little child?

Recently, I have been interviewed as part of an  independent investigation into sexual abuse  that happened in my past.

The interviewers actively listened as I recounted my story of my abuse and later the account of the abysmal counseling  I received at a Christian University as I was suffering from severe PTSD.

Toward the end of the interview, one of the those interviewing me asked how this has affected my faith.

My response was if he’d asked me a few weeks before, I would have said everything was I was fine.  Now…I don’t know. Right now, I’m not too happy with God and am telling God exactly how it is!

You see over the weeks prior I have found out my “story” I thought couldn’t possibly get any worse … It is worse.  Much, much worse.

No…I’m not Okay.

I’ve found out a several things lately that show there were serious crimes committed against me. (In addition to the crimes I knew about) Christian leaders all knew, were accomplices or actors and none thought of them thought of anyone but themselves. Certainly not the little girl I was then. I was trafficked with less thought than it took for them to sell horses and cattle from that farm.

Yet, every one of these men continued in the ministry for years. Two died “serving the Lord”. One major player is still alive and is still preaching from his pulpit every Sunday Morning, Sunday Night, Wed Night.  One other abuser is alive, but no longer in the ministry.  Every last one of has lived to see their golden years.

God blessed all of them.

I’m struggling with Jesus doesn’t seem to have cared anymore than any of them what happened to me–a young child.

If He did care, why did He bless them and curse me? What did a child from the ages 3-12 do to deserve Him turning His back? And then further used and abused in a different way after age 12?

Was Jesus just not paying attention?

Or, did Jesus just choose to look away and think “I don’t want to get involved” like many humans who knew and instead chose to do absolutely nothing?….

A friend reminded me that easy answers usually aren’t worth it.  Bethel Baptist and Upper Bucks are so full of the easy, pat answers. Fundamentalism as a whole is full of the easy, pat answers.  Hard answers are worth it in the end. I have to believe that is true. But then getting the answers is frustrating.  I’m have to believe that the real God, the real Jesus does care and isn’t mad at me for asking these questions.  I have no idea when  I might “arrive” at some answers.  But my true friends keep telling me that God is still here and always was.  I believe that and maybe, at some point, I will.  It’s just hard – but then maybe God isn’t a God of easy answers anyway.  In the end, I’m just trying to understand that He still loves me, even as, of late, my glasses are many times not much good for anything but tear catchers.

 “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”  Psalm 56:8 The Message

Psalm 56-8

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28 thoughts on “Me? Okay? Not At the Moment.

  1. God s shoulders are big enough for our questions, our rants and our doubt. He knows we struggle with finding a true picture of Him. Sometimes the doubts are due to us needing to throw out some false pictures of Him. He s good with that and desires for us to see His true self. All in good time. Our questions arent intellectual, but questions of the heart. I have found answers thru perspective and not the cliches and pat answers some are so quick to speak.

  2. A long life does mean God blessed them. That is the first thing. Some people just live longer than others.

    I still very much believe in God, but not the kind we are usually told exists. I don’t believe in a God who saves us. He isn’t a dog. He doesn’t come when we call. But I do think God is and was there.

    I hope you find your answers too.

  3. And so I say again, name names and dates and places. Go to the police with your evidence. There are adult men who were assaulted as youngsters by pedophile priests, and they have gotten their day in court, as difficult as that experience must have been.

    • Jo,

      Your questions seem to me a bit intrusive. First you warn people shouldn’t always believe survivors on THIS blog where I’m just starting to tell my story.

      I don’t need to tell YOU or any other curious third person the names of my abusers.

      I’m being careful how I word things so any investigation isn’t damaged..

      • Hm, Jo. There actually is an investigation. More than one, really. I know she participated in one because I was part of the same one . So yeah, back off while the real business is going on.

      • Ah, Jo … but do you REALLY want to see the hard evidence against these people? Do you really want to see justice done. So many of us have seen the evidence and that doesn’t begin to account for people in the legal world who are looking at it.

        The names will be named and the rats, all well-hidden in their dark, infested holes, will find 5000-watt spotlights on them. Their smug and arrogant ways will seem out of reach. Some are so old now they may not see the inside of a prison, but the truth will show them to be as evil as Cleo and Lou.

        It won’t be pretty and people who have been canonized and lionized will fall – though their inner circles will doubtless count them as being persecuted.

      • Dearest lostchildnowfound,
        Please know that this person named “Jo” is not this Jo aka Joanna W. Wright. I am so angry that God watches out for sparrows but forgets about kids. I want nothing to do with him/her and those who know me, know I would never say such hogwash!

        I was shaken when I read “Jo’s” Reply because I just got off the phone with a Sheriff, who told me to gather the NB victims of Mack Ford’s hell hole, go to the Sheriff in LA, he would start the ball rolling, and hand it over to the DA.

        There’s a new DA in town and this Sheriff doesn’t sound as though he cared for Mack Ford to begin with. He said (working from memory) they warned parents when their children ran to the cops for safety, that law enforcement did not believe NB was a good place for kids, and that there were numerous allegations of physical abuse. The elderly man I spoke with was a “Bring it on Down” kinda’ guy. I cannot be as kind or open to this thing people call God’s Love for Little Children… “all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white, they are Precious…” REALLY!!!!! I hate that god right now and if he is half the dude I grew up hearing about, he/she can deal with my rage better than most people who bother to read this~

        I understand and I love you lady!
        Please, DO NOT Tell ME that god loves me! If god really exists, and he actually saw what happened to me, he ought to be put on another cross and have his lips sewn together!

      • That is something that eats at my soul, and I cannot let it go…….why does God allow children to be raped, molested, abused, tortured?As moderator of an abused survivors’ group for over 10 years, I hear the stories every single day.

        I am sure if I asked someone at my (old) church, they would piously look skyward and say (bumper sticker talk)…….we can’t understand, but we will someday. gag

  4. I think I mentioned this before. THe most valuable words I ever heard: Restorative Justice…this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. I would write a letter to ALL of the abusers. THe cockroach who abused me is dead, or I would write one. I hope you can find justice from the system. If not, I would go the media. Of course that is what I…..would do. I wish I could help in some way. The hardest thing I think is there are no answers as to why God didn’t protect you. Love, Nicole…I have a terrible struggle with that. also.

  5. I know this will be no consolation at all, but I think this particular situation (and I know of dozens more on different levels) just goes to show what abysmal failures self-professed menogawd are with the responsibilites they claim God has given them.

    What is even harder to swallow is facing and dealing with the fact that the failure also falls on the human race as a whole. Collectively, on some level or another, we as a divine species, created in God’s image, have failed with the responsibility of stewardship God has given us as individuals to protect the innocent. Like Cathy, my friend Mechille, and a multitude of others.

    We should all feel the shame and ask God, as well as those we have been given stewardship over by God, to forgive us, and hold all the rest of us accountable for our own failure if we refuse to repent, just as much as the monsters who have directly inflicted harm on the innocent and helpless. I am ashamed. I am ashamed for our entire race of people. Ashamed because of our chosen ignorance, and the choice made by so many to, rather than use the conscience, brains and intellect God gave us, instead go with the ease of letting someone from a pulpit tell us what is what, even though we KNOW it’s wrong.

    I wonder sometimes if situations like this are God’s way of knocking us upside the head and saying:

    “I gave you the responsibility, out of my love for you, and the whole purpose of my creating you, to TAKE CARE and watch over the place I gave you to live, and every other living being I put there. And over the centuries, you loudly proclaimed that you were thankful and humbled by that responsibility, and made public promises to me to that you would care for what I gave you to care for. And time and again over the centuries, you have proven to me that it was all a lie, and you chose to care only for yourselves. Even after sending my son to assure that even after your failure, I would forgive you, you continued to slap me and those I gave you to care for in the face. And especially for those who have stood and proclaimed that I have specially selected them to tend my flocks, you will be shown publicly as the charlatans, monsters, self-righteous bigots and frauds you chose to be by the very ones I gave to you to care for. Those you harmed the most are the ones I will give the priviledge and justice to tear away the cloak of deceit, lies and intimidation you have worn with so much pride, and I will give them victory over you. After all this time, and opportunity after opportunity that I have given you to make things right, you will be exposed for what you are, by those you have elected to harm so as to further your own ends. And by this action, you, as well as those you have harmed and destroyed, will KNOW that I am God, and that I inervene here because you have ultimately refused to clean up the mess that YOU made out of what I gave you.”

    My prayers are SO with you, Cathy. And everyone else who has found the courage to speak up. I pray for innumerable blessings to be showered on all of you. And I can’t say enough how sorry I am that you have been failed by so many especially those who said they love you. I pray for comfort, blessings, and most of all, JUSTICE for you.

  6. It’s perfectly FINE not being ‘okay’ now. God isn’t just on stand by wanting to hear all the praises! I realize all the preacher boys would say the opposite, but I guess they never read enough of the bible to realize YOU won’t be the first ONE! David is the first one that comes to mind, and boy did he bitch up a storm!

    Its also healthy to get all that toxic ICK out – its poison! Yes, again ‘humans’ want to place a time limit on it. They do that due to their own comfort zones, and comfort levels. Its selfishness really. Your making ME uncomfortable, so I will throw in a little ‘spiritual’ stuff to make you feel worse…so maybe you will hush. Notice its all for THEM, and they are a little too uncomfortable with carrying that burden with you. That always drove me NUTS!

    I have no idea why he allows the level of suffering that goes on. I doubt I will ever be able to wrap my head around it. I do know you will get justice. Jesus got the ball rolling here on earth, and to be honest? I would hate to be in the shoes of the ‘blessed’ you speak about once they face God up close and personal. Highly doubt ‘blessed’ is what they will feel, and all their pedigrees won’t do a darn thing to help them either. God will not be manipulated, and the bible told them plainly that they would be accountable. Their spiritual pixie dust nonsense won’t help them.

    Your words today made me cry, and then made me mad. I’m angry for you. I’m angry for all the others past, present and future. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Lord promised a huge blessing once we come home to live with him. No pedigree needed! Picture God telling all the sicko’s of the world, “This is my child, and I love her!” I dare them to challege that! Their earthy power and control will mean nothing for the rest of eternity. WOW, talk about one sense of justice right there!

    Sounds like from what you wrote? God is opening more doors for your earthy justice. You mentioned crimes against you that you didn’t know about? Jesus is opening mouths – and allowing tongues to wag, and lets pray that the walls come crumbling down.

    You are one brave and also BLESSED individual! I see strength and courage. I’m going to pray that the Lord helps you process all the toxic ick, and finally give you some sense of peace.

  7. Dear Cathy,

    I found your blog by Google as I as looking for help about child molestation. I was sexually abused by my father. He is a Independent Fundamental Baptist pastor. I was born in as a missionary child in a South American country. My parents were missionaries in this South American Country for several years when I was a little girl. My dad was caught in the South American Country where we were missionaries. He was accused of molesting another missionary girl who was my friend when she came to our home to play. The mission board was Gospel Fellowship (GFA) which is owned by Bob Jones University. GFA didn’t do anything but bring us and my dad back here to the United States. No one from the mission board asked me if my father had done things to me.

    The pastor of our sending church was here in Pennsylvania. He had health problems. My dad was immediately given the position as the assistant pastor. Although the senior pastor was then, and is still here, my father is the assistant pastor of this church in name only. My father does all the work, preaches all sermons, and has same power to make decisions as the “senior pastor.”

    My father continued to molest me after we returned and while he was the “assistant” pastor for this church. When I was a teenager, I went to the senior pastors wife attempting to tell her my father had not just molested girls on the mission field in the South American Country but he had molested me too. I told her he still was molesting me. She went and called her pastor husband. She made me tell her husband what I had just told her.

    The head pastor and his wife told me I was lying and said they would tell my dad. He called my father and they spoke on the phone in the other room for a few minutes. After a few minutes the pastor came back holding a belt. He made me lay across their marriage bed. He spanked me 50 times with his belt. His wife was present and pulled up my dress and pulled down my panties as her husband delivered my spanking. I was in terrible pain. I couldn’t walk, or sit all I could do was lay there in bed. In addition to the pain from the spanking I was also sick with a high fever, was very weak as I couldn’t get out of bed, all my muscles hurt, I didn’t urinate much and when I did it looked like watered down Coca-Cola. I vomited. I was very sick and thought I was going to die but gradually I did get better. My parents didn’t take me to the hospital or to the doctor.

    If this school you’re writing about is Upper Bucks Christian School in Sellersville, PA. (Which I think it is) This us the school my parents sent me and my brother too after we returned to the states. I graduated from it. Our church didn’t have a Independent Baptist Church School. Of course my parents wanted me to attend a Independent Fundamental Christian School. I remember knowing of others who knew you too, Cathy. People would say they were molested but Pastor Harris would not believe them. Some of them reminded others it was a waste of time if they told because he never believed you and your injuries were obvious. Our wounds were not obvious. None of us had physical scars. People from Upper Bucks said you were quiet and kind but the never heard much of you after a few years after you graduated. You married a Marine and moved away.

    As was expected after graduating from UBCS, I went to Bob Jones University. I told a dorm counselor I was abused by my dad. Her response was to ask me about my sinful responses. I decided I wasn’t going to get any help at BJU and quite likely get into trouble for asking for help.

    Please know many of us who went to Upper Bucks knew something wasn’t right, but we were all to cowardly to help you. Dear Cathy, I apologize for doing nothing to help you. Please forgive me. It is decades too late, but please know I am very sorry for what happened to you.

    What I went through doesn’t hold a candle to what you went through. Please forgive me for telling you about the small amount of abuse I went through. I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I just thought maybe you would be the one person who would understand. I’ve never told anyone I was molested since I was 14 (not even my husband) after dared go tell my pastors wife which resulted in the worst spanking of my life. Again—nothing compared to what you’ve gone though.
    .
    NJ

    • Dear NJ: There is NO such thing as a “small amount” of abuse. It is all horrific. Hugs and Love….these men need to be brought to justice….if the time limit has run out then sue then in civil court….that is what I would do. We need to take back our power with restorative justice….Restorative justice says….this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Unless we speak up with horrific abuse will continue. xoxo,Nicole

    • Dear NJ,

      First thank you for telling me your account. It took a lot of courage. I am very sorry about what happened. None of what happened to you was your fault. You share absolutely no blame whatsoever. The blame and responsibility for the crimes committed against you belong solely on your father, your pastor, your pastors wife, and any other adult who knew and did not report it.

      Pennsylvania has long statute of limitations on these crimes. There is a good chance the Statute of Limitations have not expired.
      The local victims advocacy group is Network of Victims Assistance (NOVA). NOVA offers free confidential short-term counseling. NOVA offers many other services too. .http://www.novabucks.org/

      If you need someone to talk to, I’m here and willing to be a friend. Have you ever thought of reporting your father and your pastor for what they did? Chances are very good that you’re not your fathers only victim. It is a big step, but think about it. I would be willing to help you in anyway such as going with you if you wish.

      NJ, you were a child. You didn’t have any responsibility and were powerless to do anything. You’re not a coward, as a matter of fact, you’re very brave to have lived through what you, yourself lived through.

      ♥,

      Cathy

    • NJ: We’re here for you. I know it took all you had to try coming forward again after so many times trying and being hurt for it. I too am a Christian school kid who both went through various versions of hell and didn’t speak up for many years. Don’t beat yourself up for not talking at the time. When you tried to speak up for yourself, you suffered. If your school was like mine, you were taught not to trust outsiders either; so who could any of us tell at the time? That’s why we’re talking now. We’re away from it, we know better, we see the evil and corruption for what it is, and nobody can stop us anymore. Te first steps to freedom are hard, but they are worth it.

    • NJ,

      Your story is becoming all too familiar and that’s a very sad thing to say. Your abuse, no matter how small it seems to you at the moment, is significant. You are significant and a loved child of God. What happened wasn’t because of anything you did. People took advantage of you and then, when you were most vulnerable, didn’t believe you. We grieve along with you for the lost innocence and the shame.

      I hope you will seek out qualified help. Many churches do have connections to legitimate counselors who see these as real problems and still offer a Biblical perspective on sorting through it all. It isn’t too late and what you went through is far from insignificant.

    • NJ, I’m glad you told your story, I believe every word of it. and you need not apologize for it. you were courageous to tell that much. Many have stories. and it affects each differently no matter what the occurences. one thing in common, it brought a lot of pain to our souls. one person’s pain does not negate another’s . keep in touch. you are loved.

    • NJ,
      My family went to South America with a group of people in 1964. I was 4 years-old. Violence is what I remember most. We ultimately lived in Koonyataee (phonetically spelled) along the Parana River.
      Does this sound familiar?

      I am sorry for what you have been through. .. what WE have been subjected to and had forced on us. You have met the best folk I know to stand beside you and guide you through the wreckage of our lives.

  8. NJ,
    I also know what it’s like to try to tell about a sexual abuse experience and to not be believed. I waited until the man was dead, as I feared that my father would kill him, and then “I” would have been responsible for sending him to jail as well as another man being dead. That’s how the reason of a young child works. Their view of the world is egocentric, and when they are shamed, it becomes all that much more easy for them to believe that they are the ones who have done something wrong. And in a way, I think that not being believed was worse than the sexual abuse itself.

    In talking with a friend yesterday, I reminded her that when we think of what we should have done or could have done when we were children, we have to be careful not to judge ourselves by the standard of what we would do now. When we are kids and going through the trauma, we are quite helpless, dependent on other adults to help us make decisions and to teach us how to set boundaries on behavior. How tragic it is when those whom we trust fail to protect us, respect no one’s boundaries, and then teach us by what they do that we have no right to say “no” like an adult would. We are used, thrown away, and then dependent on what others *want* to believe. It is easier for some adults who listen to the tragedy that a child reports to them to believe what is most comfortable for them. They don’t want to hear about or be responsible for knowledge that a trusted minister could do something so awful. It’s easier for some to keep believing the lie. And they have no idea how hard it is for that child and that teenager to even muster the words and the courage to tell what has happened to them. And how painful it is to watch that “man of God” get away with it all, all while people praise and reward him.

    The thing to remember is that we are no longer children when we look back into the past, learning about how others have suffered, or how others have suffered like we have. Remember to be kind to yourself and to remind yourself that your ability to act, to understand, and your level of experience were so limited compared to who you are today as you wish about something that you may have been able to do to stop it all.

    I was in my mid-twenties before I really started to heal from my sexual abuse experience. It was not until then that it dawned on me that there were probably other little girls who were molested. I didn’t act then because I wanted to “protect” my family from the shame and the pain, as well as myself. In reading these posts and talking with others this week, I again revisited that idea that if I had perhaps done something to tell someone and fought to be believed, maybe that would have spared someone else from suffering in the same way that I had. But that opportunity is long gone. All I can do NOW is pray for those who were wounded like I was.

    But in remembering that you are no longer a child, you do have a great power in your hands — the power of truth. Winston Churchill once said that the truth was so powerful and precious that, in a time of war, one must surround it with a bodyguard of live. Bringing forth the truth now, perhaps for such a time as this makes a powerful difference. Thank you boldly speaking the truth in a way that I could not at the time. Thank you for reaching out in empathy to Cathy. I know it means so much to her. May your efforts now work to bring powerful change and healing to many and to protect many who might suffer in the way that you did. And maybe God called you to post about it at this moment because now is the time for Him to show Himself strong to those little ones who have trusted Him, even though so many others have trodden them under their feet — even other Christians.

    Be blessed and find comfort and rejoice in the truth. We are told to buy it and sell it not.

  9. NJ, first of all thank you for finding the courage to speak about your abuse. I am so sorry that you went through this. Cathy has given you some very wise counsel. If there are other victims, then breaking your silence to the authorities could help them. Trust me when I say you are not alone. There are many victims of child rape and molestation that exist that came out of the IFB movement. EVERY story of abuse deserves our utmost attention no matter the abuse and, deserves our giving of our support to the victim. Support is something you were robbed of and denied. You have support here. No one should be denied the help they deserve and no perpetrator should be able to move on to another victim. I believe you. I support you. I am here for you as well. I know the courage it took to tell us a little of your story. Please know that courage is contagious in that other victims will see your courage and find the strength to speak out about their own abuses. Sending you a cyber hug. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. Now is your time to get the help you need.

  10. NJ Thank you for reaching out with your story and trusting Cathy and other survivors to show you the love and empathy that the IFB church leaders failed to give you when you asked for help. It never ceases to amaze me to see the IFB leaders consistently punish and blame their victims who are trying to give the abuser back the responsibility to carry the burden of their abuse and the IFB church gives the burden to carry the abusers secrets back to the abusers victims. You are doing exactly what is the right thing to do for yourself and other IFB victims by supporting another victim and reach out for support,.I had 2 boys who were sexually abused in the MBBC system in Wi and I understand your frustration at not being hear,,,although I can not understand the pain it must be to have a father betray you as you and Cathy have. I believed my sons and after the IFB Delusion broke in my psychic I have diligently supported them and others who suffered abuse in the IFB.. There is no excuse for what has happened and we as survivors of the IFB abuse must lock hands and hearts to “Tear Down The IFB Wall”. NJ your post will help many others to come forward for support and we will have more hands and heart locked together in our purpose to end this IFB abuse of sex traffickers by their silence and their secondary abuse of the victims. Just a note here on your spanking after asking for help…Well you could have died due to Kidney failure after such a beating. You lived and have reached out your hand to Cathy and we in turn reach our hands out to you and the circle of survivors is bigger and stringer today because you are in the circle of survivors dedicated to “Tear Down the IFB Wall” We march one more time around that wall…together we march. Thanks NJ

  11. NJ,
    Watching the brave people, you being among them, willingly step up to peel back layer after layer of this blight on the human race leaves me feeling so many different things that it’s hard to describe. I hope one day you’ll be able to fully understand how many others you’re helping to free from the prison of their own shame, fear and guilt. And that’s not even counting yourself. I commend all of you with sincere gratitude and humility. From what I know about this so far, the direction so many terrified, but BRAVE BEYOND MEASURE people are taking is leading to the prevention of the harm of the future’s children.
    You, Cathy and a handful of others are showing that we do not have to look to a future of more children being abused over and over again by the same offenders. It absolutely does NOT have to be that way! Because of people like you! People who understand that fighting for their own justice isn’t just for them, but for all the kids and innocent people of the future who won’t have to endure the same thing. Swallowing that fear and fighting like hell to see these evil puddles of slime put out of commission so they can hurt no one else is what’s gonna have to be done unless there are those who will be satisfied with just helping deal with the fallout and shattered lives after the fact.
    I only speak for myself, but I refuse to be content with that. And in seeing what’s happening now, any criticism we’ve had to deal with, or may have to deal with in the future is worth making sure that anybody who has been harmed knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is hope, and that they CAN report, because the power to do that has been handed to them on a silver platter with the recent changes in the laws. And harnessing that power, as well as the HOPE it brings, is the only thing that will prevent other children from having to suffer like that.

    NJ,you have harnessed that power. And I’m sure others who have been terrified into silence up until this very moment have seen it.
    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for joining the ranks of those who are showing it.

  12. I can only offer a small amount of insight to tell you that it was the disgusting choices of that woman and the men she allowed to harm you. She is to blame. The men are to blame. It is my belief that God was not laughing, he was sobbing and grieving – for both the people who harmed you and for you, his precious child who had to endure such torture. I hope you find comfort in God – He is not to blame for their actions but He is there to offer us peace and freedom. We all have free will to make our own choices.

    I am a stranger – I do not know you, but your story has me crying like a baby. I am horrified at what you went through. I am sad for you – for the little girl who endured unspeakable torture. Imagine how much more a God, who knew you before you were even born, who knows how many hairs you have on your head – is grieving for you.

    I will never forget what I just read. I will think of you often and I will pray for you.

  13. A few years ago, a Pastor told me that I was like one of Lot’s daughters. I dishonored my father by letting him abuse me from age 4 to 9 years of age.
    The pastors words has caused more pain than my father’s abuse.

    Thank you Cathy for sharing your story. For too many of us we’ve been made to believe the words of Dr. Bob Jones, Sr. “No doubt the problem is with you” when we go for help after sexual abuse.”

  14. Oh dear Elizabeth! This is just ghastly what your pastor told you. You did not dishonor your father, your father dishonored you! I can understand why those words caused you more pain than your father’s abuse. I hate it when preachers use God and religion to heap shame on abuse victims. It is horrible when God is misrepresented to us as tender young children. My preacher father abused me for 10 years and I felt it was my duty to God to let him abuse me. He used the Bible and God against me too. I pray that you are surrounded now with people who give you the affirmation, love and support you need. I am honored to stand with you!

  15. Elizabeth,
    I am glad you have found your voice.I am glad that you are asking questions, the ones that have no answers..maybe it is more important that you are now free to ask them. What you survived is excruciating and incomprehensible.. that people could DO those things to you..a child! I don’t know if there are any “good” answers; I do know that asking them, and venting and releasing the inside pressure is GOOD and appropriate.. and I hope you continue to allow yourself to vent in which ever way is best..I am appalled beyond words that you were so victimized.. I am SO sorry, you, a little girl was so terribly horribly abused..
    Much love to you..

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